12 Oct Core Needs
6 CORE Human Needs
Here I’d like to share with you some amazing insights about the 6 Core Needs – According to Anthony Robbins we are all driven by the need to fulfill 6 Basic Core Needs… They are not just desires or wants, but profound needs which serve as a basis of every choice we make. And yeah I hear you asking Evelyn… What does that mean?
We live our lives, based on these needs… most of us prioritising one or maybe two of them above all others. How we actually satisfy these needs will determine our experience of happiness.
VARIETY <==> CERTAINTY
SIGNIFICANCE <==> CONNECTION
GROWTH <==> CONTRIBUTION
The first four needs (levels 1 and 2) are our physical needs, which we all find ways to meet, even if it’s through violence, playing ourselves as the victim, or mental illness. Our physical needs can provoke tension with each other in relationships.
The more certainty we have, the less variety we have, and vice versa. The more significance we have, the less connection we have. And vice versa A generalization in these needs is… masculine people tend to need more Significance, Variety, and Growth, while feminine people tend to need more Certainty, Connection, and Contribution.
However, whatever…Your top 2 needs are … is your motivation … it’s a reflection of who you are showing up as, or not Your goal is … to discover which other needs you would say, need your immediate attention?
If you’re associating with these needs unresourcefully then you’ll pretty much get unhappy. By associate I mean if you saturate your thoughts with any of these needs in an unbalanced way then you will certainly get unhappy very quickly. And I discus this in more detail during our coaching sessions… for now… the antidote to this is to embrace or at least satisfy the need which is paradoxical to it… so listen up because this is a great opportunity for you to see how they in fact do work closely together…and how it is affecting your life…
The First Core Need: Certainty
the need for certainty and what makes us feel comfortable, i.e. where we can avoid pain and experience pleasure. The need for certainty is a fundamental survival instinct, something we all strive for, to a greater or lesser extent.
Unresourceful way of meeting need for certainty
Some people meet this need for certainty, safety or comfort, by controlling others. For example.. some people regularly do anger… throw anger tantrums, its they’re way of controlling the environment… or trying to at least… they’re doing it because they’re trying to satisfy or trying to find the vehicle to meet this need called certainty, safety and comfort. How does this work?
Well, think about it when someone does anger, everyone around that individual feels like they’re walking on egg shells right. In other words everyone becomes very quiet, attentive and controlled as a person does their anger. So the person’s doing their anger…they’re actually controlling their environment.
Is this an empowering way to gain certainty? No Absolutely not, it’s a totally disempowering, immature, unresourceful way of controlling the environment.
The Second Core Need: Variety
We all need variety/uncertainty in our lives too: because variety and challenges exercise our emotional and physical range. “Variety is the spice of life.” The quality of our life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty we can comfortably live with. The more uncertainty we can live with, the more we’ll achieve, the more we’ll learn, the more alive we’ll be. The more you have to be certain about everything, the less you’ll have.
This second core need is the way that you actually get happy… embrace variety or uncertainty in life… it may seem the opposite to certainty but in fact is complimentary … this is the need of uncertainty, variety and adventure.
Unresourceful way to filling then need for variety…
For example, you know, you can get drunk or taking drugs meeting your need of variety but is it sustainable, NO it’s not. Taking drugs or alcohol gives a variety in the sense of it does alter your state of consciousness. This is not something sustainable. It’s something only temporarily obtainable and of course if we do this long enough the consequences can be fatal.. we’ve lost many a great personality to these unresourceful habits … Michael Jackson, Amy Winehouse, Whitney… eventually being this unresourceful will kill you.
Self sabotage is another way. Have you ever been cruising along beautifully in a relationship and you pick an argument for no good reason other than to pick an argument, I can tell you deeply, unconsciously the reason why to pick an argument because in some level you are bored and by picking an argument you’re actually inducing variety … because all of the sudden you don’t know how your partner is going to react.
Lets look at relationships… self sabotage in their relationships … some people do this regularly… they’re in conversation with people and start picking argument because they are bored.
Some people create drama and problems in their life to have something to do… OMG… seriously? Ever been caught up in the Drama Cycle? the drama cycle has 3 people… the Victim, the Persecutor and the Rescuer…
Some other reasons why people love problems deeply, is because creating drama gives them variety, they feel significant…Important enough for others to care about… that’s how they get their significance and variety… it is negative stokes but it is someone giving you their attention… reassuring you they care. Thats what happens in the drama cycle… have you ever met someone that talks about dramas in their life, have you ever met someone who just continues to talk about all the problems of their life.
Here’s what’s really interesing… deep down underneath that surface of them telling you their story … they absolutely love it, because without that drama, without that problem, without that issue… their life doesn’t have a purpose. And you might be thinking now, wow that’s really messed up… because it is… and a lot of people do that. And look we all do this at some level… it’s just that some people do it in the very major way. So they’re called drama kings and drama queens. And what you really need to to ask yourself and be aware of … is this … is that what you do?… or is that what your partner is doing?…
How is that working for you in your relationship?.
Now that we’ve covered the first 2 of the 6 Core Needs Certainty & Variety… Lets now take a look at the next 2 core needs #3 Significance & #4 Connection
CERTAINTY VARIETY SIGNIFICANCE CONNECTION GROWTH CONTRIBUTION
Certainty and Variety are the needs of Survival (Physical needs) Significance and Love and Connection are our needs of Success (Physical needs) Growth and Contribution are our needs of Fulfillment (Spiritual needs) Predominantly, the first 4 needs are needs of the personality, and the last 2 needs are the needs of the spirit.
The first 4 are,
# 1 is the need for certainty, also known as the need for comfort, safety, security.
# 2 is the need for (ironically) our need for uncertainty; also known as adventure or variety.
# 3 is the need for significance or our need to feel important, and that means by us showing up, we’ll make a difference.
# 4 is the need for connection and love. In that order, connection and love, why do people settle for connection? Because it’s safer than love.
Third Core need Significance – Every person needs to feel significant, important and wanted. When we were babies we all had to feel that we are number one. This need is still with us: needing to feel special and important in some way has helped shaped who you are today. We can feel significant by building or achieving something, or we can feel significant by tearing something or somebody down. In all cases significance comes from comparing yourself to others. At its most positive it leads you to raise your standards. At its worst you expect others to show you that you are worthy. If we over focus on it we lose connection to others because of the differences we emphasize.
Fourth Core Need Connection – Everyone needs connection with other human beings and strives and hopes for love. If you are alive today you were loved. You needed to feel loved and touched in order to survive and that need is still at your core. In this sense love and connection are the ultimate survival instincts. Can you imagine to which lengths people will go to get this need met? This is equally valid in family and partner relationships as it is in business and our relationships with colleagues.
Let’s unpack it some more…
# 3 is our need for significance… in other words, having that feeling that we matter… a thought that we matter … a perception that we are making a difference… that we are able to contribute to someone to our world… the fact that we are alive and our purpose serves for the greater good… It’s a very important need and in some way we are being validated.
When our need for significance is low, in any experience, we head for the gate… we don’t hang around too long. This is the number one reason why people leave a career, leave a business, why an employee leaves, it’s because their need for significance is not being met. In other words if we’re not being recognized for our contribution, for our achievements if there’s lack of recognition there can be a true feeling of emptiness.
Recognition is another way of looking at this need for significance, and definitely, most definitely, based in my experience in being involved in coaching and training in various businesses, the reason why someone leaves is because I feel I’m not recognized or validated enough.
That action, what they are saying is… from their perspective …my core need for significance is not being met… therefore I’ll move on to greener pastures… go somewhere else to have it met.
Unresourceful examples of significance can include… Those people who can walk into a room and just about the whole room changes its state… You know someone like that right! … where the air seems to thicken and there’s a sudden drop in temperature… chilled… do you know of someone who puts other people down?
I’m sure we’ve all met someone who has the ability in very social ways of making others feel worse… worse than they felt before they ever met that person…You know, they socially put others down… make them feel bad… We’ve met lots of people like that. What is happening in that instance… is they are saying that their meeting their need for significance unconsciously, that’s the way they meet their need for significance. By putting others down… making others feel insignificant… they position themselves in a place of superiority, and of course that’s like a superiority complex, which really is inferiority complex in disguise.
So in other words, an indication of low self esteem… putting others down…
Another unresourceful example might be promiscuity … its another example of unresourceful significance. You can also relate this example to people who gossip… that is one of the most common ways people in the work environment meet their need of significance, big time… they gossip and speak badly of others… of their colleagues and bosses and service providers… another unresourceful way of unresourcefully meeting this need for significance is by being a drama queen or drama king… in other words… telling Sad stories about self, being a martyr a victim… steeling is another way… and lying so you’ll get caught… people actually do that… can you see how messed up that all is…
If you recognise any of this in ‘self’… and you’d like to know how to turn it around now… look at some beautiful resourceful examples of ways we meet our need for significance then message me.
What’s really fascinating about significance is its connection with the fourth core need…
#4 connection and love… And before I go dive into connection, let’s look at the connection and love need with significance… let’s have a look at unresourceful and resourceful ways for meeting our need of connection and love.
Sample of unresourceful first. And, I’m sure you can all relate to this first example… Needy people… being needy is an unresourceful way of meeting our need for connection. Self harm, unhealthy relationships, connection through problems… such as doing drugs, or when someone says something like… “If you don’t love me, I’ll hurt myself.” Or “if you leave me I’ll kill myself” a person saying these kind of things is saying, I’m unresourceful right now in meeting my need for connection.
So you can either connect through problems, or you can connect through people. Someone is resourcefully meeting their need for connection, when they are sharing, supporting, connecting through nature, connecting through their god, connecting to themselves, their own personal power, connection through self worth, connection through your truth.
These are all ways you can resourcefully meet your need for connection. So if your finding that either in your life or in the life of someone that you know, that their continually meeting their need for connection through drama… I have someone very close to me that is a definate drama queen, she is an expert at creating drama in her life… talking about others and how she has been badly done by… the world owes her!!!
And it’s fascinating to watch people who create this drama in their life, and it happens all the time. And in reflection… knowing now what I do about human psychology now… all the stories… the number one constant that’s seems to be present here, is her.” She didn’t quite grasp what I meant. But what was happening there was, she was meeting her need for connection through drama, rather than through people.
Now you can only meet your need for connection through one or the other. So this has an indelible effect on how you’re meeting your need for significance, because if you meet your need for connection through drama, your need for significance is impacted negatively because it means you can’t meet your significance by being recognized by others.
Without connecting with people, how are you going to fulfil your need by being recognized or being validated by others… in other words, if you are someone that people don’t like hanging around with, how are you going to fulfill your need for connection in a positive and resourceful way … so you can feel significant about yourself?
You see, I believe one of the purposes of life, is to really live by experiencing things, many experiences and enjoy doing it… Really at the end of the day, our purpose of life is to enjoy the physical experiences that we are experiencing, the emotions and all the various things we are experiencing. One of the magnifiers to experience or purpose is of course the vehicle of relationship. And we love sharing our experiences with people because it fulfils our need for significance.
Think about it, if you attend a concert or a sporting event by yourself that’s all fine and well, but when you’re sharing that experience with another person, it fulfills your need for significance. I know that I can enjoy going to the movies on my own. I also know that I enjoy the experience even more when I’m with my best friend or with my husband or son or daughter so we can share the laugh, share the giggle, or share the emotional moment, and talk about it and laugh about it over coffee afterwards.
Your experience is magnified, it’s deepened because your need for significance is being met. So significance is a very useful need that helps us have a deeper experience of life. So that’s how significance and connection work together.
Again, the goal of 6 human needs psychology is to help people create additional consistent resources and choices…. new patterns allowing them to be fulfilled in the long term.
These 2 needs Significance and Connection are equally important in being balanced. If you remember, earlier I mentioned how “work life balance” is an urban myth… well where balance truly comes to the core, is balancing resourceful certainty and resourceful uncertainty, and also balancing resourceful significance and resourceful connection. That way, you get to fulfill the experience of deeper relationships, which adds so much more meaning to your life, which is you immersing in everything that we’re talking about over the course of Personal Power, Passion & Purpose workshop, you know, your own personal power.
Go right ahead and message me on 0418 403 227 or email me firstname.lastname@example.org